Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
