Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
