so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
