hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
