There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
