thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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