I can text with my tongue
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
