I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
