She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
