guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
