Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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