Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Found your dick twin last night
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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