Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
