there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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