i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
