My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
