Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I want to make a zoo with you.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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