I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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