u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
