I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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