i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
