You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
