So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
