Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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