You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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