Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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