Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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