You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Randomize
