Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
