Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
is that a dick in a sweater?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
