It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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