I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
So many bounce houses so little time
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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