i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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