I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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