I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
