your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
We don't watch enough power rangers
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
