I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
