just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
