therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
