glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
