I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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