I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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