Umm I'm too high to move.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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