just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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