i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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