my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
