dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You smell like stripper and shame
apparently the secret to your success is patron
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
