I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
