walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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