god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
