am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
